I've got nothing.

I feel like love doesn't exist. I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life wandering the earth as a heartless ghost. I won't love. I will lust. I cannot love anymore. I don't know how to sleep. My methods of dealing with everything are stupid and irrational. I think about revenge and then I think about him again and again. Everything is just crashing. I hate September. Nothing good ever happens to me in September. I don't think I could love again. I don't want to get close to anyone anymore. Getting close only leads to hurt. I can't get hurt again. I don't care how "strong" everyone thinks I am. On the outside, I'll say to myself "Whatever will be will be. Everything will work itself out. Whatever's supposed to happen will. God will take care of it." This is my inner voice. I feel like I'm using every bit of the acting I learned from living at my dad's house. Just smile. Nothing's wrong. And then, like a charm, no one notices. No one sees what I am feeling. No one can tell.

The one person who did was someone I've seen about 3 times in my whole life. Just the comment "I saw you today. I waved, but you didn't wave back. You looked stressed."

Stressed? Let's see. Stressed. Well. I work all the time. Last night I only got 5 hours of sleep. I had a test today. I have an essay due Friday. Then, my mom's unemployment runs out in 9 weeks, which means, I could easily be living in Greensboro in 9 weeks. Right when I need everyone, should everything fall apart, and i be forced to get out of town, go. Probably never see some people ever again in my life? Who am I? Why does my person exist? Have I really changed? I don't think so, I've never changed. I've always been me. I'm such an individual that I could tell you everything that makes me up. I'm not perfect. Nobody is. I can't help the way I'm feeling. I know if anyone ever sees this, they'll shove it in my face and use it against me and call me pathetic. That's why I'm writing this here. No one probably remembers that I still have this, or what the URL is. Except Colby. Oh Colby.

"Rarely does the hour for loving coincide with the call to love."

Sometimes I wonder what I could have done right for him. If I had chose him, Maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt so bad by Zack. Maybe I would have been hurt worse. But maybe, just maybe, I would have done the same thing. If I had rejected both of them, I'd be friends with them both now. Colby wouldn't hate Zack. Colby wouldn't feel so bad. But what's really astounding after all of this, is that still, still, I have reservations upon feelings for Colby.

Even if he has been the one to walk me through this all, I don't know how I feel about that. He told me "I care for you a lot.." I care for him a lot. But... in some weird odd way I don't know how to describe. I don't know if I could love him.

Then, Hunter. Dear god. Hunter...

I don't know how, but even after he does the most vile of things to me. To send me messages locked inside my inbox from long ago.. they say "I love you. I love telling you I love you. I love your sleepy voice and I love your sleepy breathing... gah, you're so amazing Claire. The most amazing person I have ever met, without a doubt. And to have you... I am baffled by it every day. I love you:) Night beautiful. Sleep tight <3" Sleep tight... what does that mean to me now. The only thing that sleeps tight inside of me is my breathing passageways, causing a network of palpitations throughout my body. then I read messages that say "And I plan on making you feel better every time you're ever sad for the rest of my life. Goodnight baby :) Sweet dreams. I love you. I'll talk to you in the morning. :)"

Where are you now? Where are you when I'm falling apart. What were all these broken promises for? Were they for your own personal gain? What then?

And yet, When i'm torn apart, screaming on the inside wherever I go..I still think he's an angel. How is that? He told me to stop telling him that after a while. Maybe what he considers changing, I consider him "deciding to go through an unnecessary phase" He stopped letting me in that day. Everything I said was being overdramatic, causing a scene. Being pretentious. being a know it all. Not funny.

And yet, he's still an angel to me. If he came to me at the moment, upset, I'd hold his head in my lap and perhaps one day I could forgive him.

Then there's thinking I'm never going to be good enough. I was never good enough for my father. I was never good enough for Zack, or Tom. Now maybe not even him. He thinks I'm selfish for having feelings. For showing them to him.

Except, I may be the most unselfish person when it comes to him. He doesn't see it. Everyday, I get up, and try to be okay for him. I hide it to everyone for him. I try to give my days a chance for him. But I find myself shedding tears at the most unsuspected times. I'll be seemingly okay one minute, bawling the next. But I tell no one. Amanda, sometimes. Just. I don't want this to be an event to feel sorry for me. I doubt anyone will, really. Most people are too concerned in their own lives to care. To talk. To give advice. To hug.

Just. I don't understand the concept of "things will be better this way". Why leave when you love someone. I wish he could have lasted longer. At least the year.

"Come on skinny love, just last the year.

Pour a little salt, we were never here."

Love gone sour. I don't even know how it happened. It just. I think it was caused by his overthinking. But me? I don't see myself as changed. Except, I see myself scarred.

My friend told me today "It just seems like everything traces back to Tom... everything... All of your problems were initiated by what happened with him."

I won't talk about that to anyone else though. She's the only one who knows.

But Hunter.

I never stopped loving to tell him I love him.

I wish I could help him.

I just can't save him from himself.

I hear all these "It will be okay." s. People cut me off, and tell me that.

But, it really just isn't okay.

I haven't felt this bad since 8th grade.

And 8th grade, I used to come home from school and lock myself in my bathroom and cry and scream.

This year, I'm a bit more able to keep it inside. But keeping it inside isn't exactly a good thing. It's ...suicidal.

Today, I stayed through lunch. Just. Because. I've lost so much faith in people. One of my best friends of 6 years stayed with me. I told her a bunch of things that I'd never told her before. Not the sugared up version that made me look like a better person that I told her before. For some reason, I had that problem with her. And just her. Either I can only tell someone certain things, like her, or I can't tell them anything at all. I'm very private. But in rare situations, I'll find someone I can tell everything to. How many of those people do I know now? 2.

Of hundreds.

But I told her the blunt truth. Everything I've done. Everything. And she told me everything she never told me in return. And thus the wall of cordiality crumbles, and a real friend comes out of it. She didn't care. She tried to help.

Just. I know people can tell me things. But telling me things doesn't fix anything. They could tell me I'm strong, they could tell me Life's what you make it. But it doesn't change it.

I'm starting to feel hopeless. I just. The only thing I have to my advantage is my grades. I have a 100 average in AP english.

But do I look forward to anything? No.

I think honestly, every relationship I'll have from here on won't really be a relationship.

It will just be a lustful experiment.

To see if I can feel anything.

And I won't.

Some people try to say that 17 year olds can't fall in love.

Here I am hopeless, in love, and hurt.

Call me naive, call me pathetic.

Go ahead.

I've got nothing.