i don't know.

I was just looking over some of these posts from last year. So much has changed since last September.
I don't even think I'm the same person anymore.
I think I've grown a bit, actually. I've grown up in a lot of ways, except I still keep some silliness in my life.
Lately, outside of laughing and having fun, my silliness has been mostly attributed to making mistakes.
But, I think in each mistake, there were was an opposite force guiding me to make that mistake.

Don't get me wrong, reader, in no way am I trying to blame what I did on someone else, but I do believe their was a stimulus for my misconduct. However, I have acted poorly.

I'm writing this in here, because I feel like this will never reach anyone, except for maybe a few people of my choice.

First off, Hunter had decided not to come back. So I tried to move on.
I met Ryan, and I tried to feel again. I started to. But all I ever felt like Ryan and I were was friends. After I decided to date Ryan, Hunter dated a girl named Dana. The whole time he dated her, he kept telling me that he wanted to come back to me.
This just made me feel like he only wanted me when someone else had me.
He finally left her, and when I made the choice to leave Ryan, he told me he didn't want me then. That he wanted to think.
Caught up in desperation, I feel like I've been toyed with to a certain extent, reader.
When he decided he wanted me, I went back to Ryan.
I had a friendly attachment to him.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Poor Ryan. Yes, poor Ryan. I have addressed him on many occasions and in every account with him that I was in the wrong. I realize that I wronged him. I cheated, yes. There's my misconduct. I apologized a thousand times.
The weird thing is, I feel like if I were to ask Ryan to lunch, I could get him to reconcile everything with me. That's probably how Hunter feels about me.
I realize that I need to avoid contact with Ryan. It would only hurt him. I hate hurting people. It hurt me to dump him. I don't want him to hurt anymore.

But a year later, reader, through all my hurt and pains of my mother losing her job, I feel like a much more mature person. I know I will never commit the deeds described previously ever again.
But along with maturity comes responsibility. In 2 months time, I will be off to college.
Even if I was "happily reunited" with Hunter a few weeks ago, presently, I do not know where I stand.

I've grown a fear of being tied down. Especially in a few months when I am to take flight.
He talks about getting married all the time. Children, a house. This kind of stuff is just... irksome to me now, as they seemed enchanting a year ago in my immaturity.

And then, a question also raises. Hunter's proven himself to be disloyal.

He thinks that a boy that I work with likes me now, so he wants to put everything all over facebook about how we're dating.
but it all goes back to the theme of me thinking that he only wants me when other people do.


And yet he takes advantage of my loyalty and of my devotion. Reader, I have to ask. Would you tie yourself down to that?

He ruined my birthday plans recently.
He also ruined the 2nd time redo.
I gave up after that.

I don't want to think about marriage or children right now. I'm 18.
I'm going to college.
I want to live.

For one, what happens when you just don't like to be touched by the person you love anymore. When you feel like their love is for show. When you don't feel truthfulness in their words.
When they basically were cheating on you with another girl at the start of the relationship.

And reader, what if I told you that the boy that my boyfriend believed to like me does like me. That he's one of the most genuine people I've ever met. He's basically the male version of me.
As far as further describing my relationship with him, I will not go down that road reader. But we could probably be described as best friends.

But as I assured you before, I will never go down the road I took with Ryan again. And I have not, nor have I gotten anywhere near that road.

I just thought you should know that.