i don't know.

I was just looking over some of these posts from last year. So much has changed since last September.
I don't even think I'm the same person anymore.
I think I've grown a bit, actually. I've grown up in a lot of ways, except I still keep some silliness in my life.
Lately, outside of laughing and having fun, my silliness has been mostly attributed to making mistakes.
But, I think in each mistake, there were was an opposite force guiding me to make that mistake.

Don't get me wrong, reader, in no way am I trying to blame what I did on someone else, but I do believe their was a stimulus for my misconduct. However, I have acted poorly.

I'm writing this in here, because I feel like this will never reach anyone, except for maybe a few people of my choice.

First off, Hunter had decided not to come back. So I tried to move on.
I met Ryan, and I tried to feel again. I started to. But all I ever felt like Ryan and I were was friends. After I decided to date Ryan, Hunter dated a girl named Dana. The whole time he dated her, he kept telling me that he wanted to come back to me.
This just made me feel like he only wanted me when someone else had me.
He finally left her, and when I made the choice to leave Ryan, he told me he didn't want me then. That he wanted to think.
Caught up in desperation, I feel like I've been toyed with to a certain extent, reader.
When he decided he wanted me, I went back to Ryan.
I had a friendly attachment to him.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Poor Ryan. Yes, poor Ryan. I have addressed him on many occasions and in every account with him that I was in the wrong. I realize that I wronged him. I cheated, yes. There's my misconduct. I apologized a thousand times.
The weird thing is, I feel like if I were to ask Ryan to lunch, I could get him to reconcile everything with me. That's probably how Hunter feels about me.
I realize that I need to avoid contact with Ryan. It would only hurt him. I hate hurting people. It hurt me to dump him. I don't want him to hurt anymore.

But a year later, reader, through all my hurt and pains of my mother losing her job, I feel like a much more mature person. I know I will never commit the deeds described previously ever again.
But along with maturity comes responsibility. In 2 months time, I will be off to college.
Even if I was "happily reunited" with Hunter a few weeks ago, presently, I do not know where I stand.

I've grown a fear of being tied down. Especially in a few months when I am to take flight.
He talks about getting married all the time. Children, a house. This kind of stuff is just... irksome to me now, as they seemed enchanting a year ago in my immaturity.

And then, a question also raises. Hunter's proven himself to be disloyal.

He thinks that a boy that I work with likes me now, so he wants to put everything all over facebook about how we're dating.
but it all goes back to the theme of me thinking that he only wants me when other people do.


And yet he takes advantage of my loyalty and of my devotion. Reader, I have to ask. Would you tie yourself down to that?

He ruined my birthday plans recently.
He also ruined the 2nd time redo.
I gave up after that.

I don't want to think about marriage or children right now. I'm 18.
I'm going to college.
I want to live.

For one, what happens when you just don't like to be touched by the person you love anymore. When you feel like their love is for show. When you don't feel truthfulness in their words.
When they basically were cheating on you with another girl at the start of the relationship.

And reader, what if I told you that the boy that my boyfriend believed to like me does like me. That he's one of the most genuine people I've ever met. He's basically the male version of me.
As far as further describing my relationship with him, I will not go down that road reader. But we could probably be described as best friends.

But as I assured you before, I will never go down the road I took with Ryan again. And I have not, nor have I gotten anywhere near that road.

I just thought you should know that.

I've got nothing.

I feel like love doesn't exist. I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life wandering the earth as a heartless ghost. I won't love. I will lust. I cannot love anymore. I don't know how to sleep. My methods of dealing with everything are stupid and irrational. I think about revenge and then I think about him again and again. Everything is just crashing. I hate September. Nothing good ever happens to me in September. I don't think I could love again. I don't want to get close to anyone anymore. Getting close only leads to hurt. I can't get hurt again. I don't care how "strong" everyone thinks I am. On the outside, I'll say to myself "Whatever will be will be. Everything will work itself out. Whatever's supposed to happen will. God will take care of it." This is my inner voice. I feel like I'm using every bit of the acting I learned from living at my dad's house. Just smile. Nothing's wrong. And then, like a charm, no one notices. No one sees what I am feeling. No one can tell.

The one person who did was someone I've seen about 3 times in my whole life. Just the comment "I saw you today. I waved, but you didn't wave back. You looked stressed."

Stressed? Let's see. Stressed. Well. I work all the time. Last night I only got 5 hours of sleep. I had a test today. I have an essay due Friday. Then, my mom's unemployment runs out in 9 weeks, which means, I could easily be living in Greensboro in 9 weeks. Right when I need everyone, should everything fall apart, and i be forced to get out of town, go. Probably never see some people ever again in my life? Who am I? Why does my person exist? Have I really changed? I don't think so, I've never changed. I've always been me. I'm such an individual that I could tell you everything that makes me up. I'm not perfect. Nobody is. I can't help the way I'm feeling. I know if anyone ever sees this, they'll shove it in my face and use it against me and call me pathetic. That's why I'm writing this here. No one probably remembers that I still have this, or what the URL is. Except Colby. Oh Colby.

"Rarely does the hour for loving coincide with the call to love."

Sometimes I wonder what I could have done right for him. If I had chose him, Maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt so bad by Zack. Maybe I would have been hurt worse. But maybe, just maybe, I would have done the same thing. If I had rejected both of them, I'd be friends with them both now. Colby wouldn't hate Zack. Colby wouldn't feel so bad. But what's really astounding after all of this, is that still, still, I have reservations upon feelings for Colby.

Even if he has been the one to walk me through this all, I don't know how I feel about that. He told me "I care for you a lot.." I care for him a lot. But... in some weird odd way I don't know how to describe. I don't know if I could love him.

Then, Hunter. Dear god. Hunter...

I don't know how, but even after he does the most vile of things to me. To send me messages locked inside my inbox from long ago.. they say "I love you. I love telling you I love you. I love your sleepy voice and I love your sleepy breathing... gah, you're so amazing Claire. The most amazing person I have ever met, without a doubt. And to have you... I am baffled by it every day. I love you:) Night beautiful. Sleep tight <3" Sleep tight... what does that mean to me now. The only thing that sleeps tight inside of me is my breathing passageways, causing a network of palpitations throughout my body. then I read messages that say "And I plan on making you feel better every time you're ever sad for the rest of my life. Goodnight baby :) Sweet dreams. I love you. I'll talk to you in the morning. :)"

Where are you now? Where are you when I'm falling apart. What were all these broken promises for? Were they for your own personal gain? What then?

And yet, When i'm torn apart, screaming on the inside wherever I go..I still think he's an angel. How is that? He told me to stop telling him that after a while. Maybe what he considers changing, I consider him "deciding to go through an unnecessary phase" He stopped letting me in that day. Everything I said was being overdramatic, causing a scene. Being pretentious. being a know it all. Not funny.

And yet, he's still an angel to me. If he came to me at the moment, upset, I'd hold his head in my lap and perhaps one day I could forgive him.

Then there's thinking I'm never going to be good enough. I was never good enough for my father. I was never good enough for Zack, or Tom. Now maybe not even him. He thinks I'm selfish for having feelings. For showing them to him.

Except, I may be the most unselfish person when it comes to him. He doesn't see it. Everyday, I get up, and try to be okay for him. I hide it to everyone for him. I try to give my days a chance for him. But I find myself shedding tears at the most unsuspected times. I'll be seemingly okay one minute, bawling the next. But I tell no one. Amanda, sometimes. Just. I don't want this to be an event to feel sorry for me. I doubt anyone will, really. Most people are too concerned in their own lives to care. To talk. To give advice. To hug.

Just. I don't understand the concept of "things will be better this way". Why leave when you love someone. I wish he could have lasted longer. At least the year.

"Come on skinny love, just last the year.

Pour a little salt, we were never here."

Love gone sour. I don't even know how it happened. It just. I think it was caused by his overthinking. But me? I don't see myself as changed. Except, I see myself scarred.

My friend told me today "It just seems like everything traces back to Tom... everything... All of your problems were initiated by what happened with him."

I won't talk about that to anyone else though. She's the only one who knows.

But Hunter.

I never stopped loving to tell him I love him.

I wish I could help him.

I just can't save him from himself.

I hear all these "It will be okay." s. People cut me off, and tell me that.

But, it really just isn't okay.

I haven't felt this bad since 8th grade.

And 8th grade, I used to come home from school and lock myself in my bathroom and cry and scream.

This year, I'm a bit more able to keep it inside. But keeping it inside isn't exactly a good thing. It's ...suicidal.

Today, I stayed through lunch. Just. Because. I've lost so much faith in people. One of my best friends of 6 years stayed with me. I told her a bunch of things that I'd never told her before. Not the sugared up version that made me look like a better person that I told her before. For some reason, I had that problem with her. And just her. Either I can only tell someone certain things, like her, or I can't tell them anything at all. I'm very private. But in rare situations, I'll find someone I can tell everything to. How many of those people do I know now? 2.

Of hundreds.

But I told her the blunt truth. Everything I've done. Everything. And she told me everything she never told me in return. And thus the wall of cordiality crumbles, and a real friend comes out of it. She didn't care. She tried to help.

Just. I know people can tell me things. But telling me things doesn't fix anything. They could tell me I'm strong, they could tell me Life's what you make it. But it doesn't change it.

I'm starting to feel hopeless. I just. The only thing I have to my advantage is my grades. I have a 100 average in AP english.

But do I look forward to anything? No.

I think honestly, every relationship I'll have from here on won't really be a relationship.

It will just be a lustful experiment.

To see if I can feel anything.

And I won't.

Some people try to say that 17 year olds can't fall in love.

Here I am hopeless, in love, and hurt.

Call me naive, call me pathetic.

Go ahead.

I've got nothing.

wow, happy february.

I'd just like to personally apologize to blogspot..

Ugh, I would delete these posts that I'm embarassed of, but I'm not going to.

Ah, you can't erase your past, and you can't change who you are. & I'd like you guys to know who I really am.

But I'd like to start off by saying I'm a lot happier now.

& I'm free.

Of everything that's been bothering me in the past 5 months.

Something happened to me recently.. and I don't know how you did it, but thank you :)

No more broken hearts, no more pain.

I'm good. Not even numb anymore.

Happy February Everybody.

:)

This defines my life perfectly right now.

Welcome to My Life- Simple Plan

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
and no one understands you.
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room
with the radio on turned up so loud
that no one hears you screaming.

No you don't know what it's like,
when nothing feels alright.
You don't know what it's like to be like me.

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark.
To be kicked when you're down.
To feel like you've been pushed around.
To be on the edge of breaking down
and no one's there to save you.
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life.

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
before your life is over.
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
while deep inside you're bleeding.

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me.

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around.
To be on the edge of breaking down when no one's there to save you.
No you don't know what it's like to be like me.

No one ever lied straight to your face.
and no one ever stabbed you in the back.
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay.
Everybody always gave you what you wanted.
You never had to work; It was always there.
No you don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark.
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around.
To be on the edge of breaking down when no one's there to save you.
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life."

I pity the fool.

I see everyone around town now and it's like a giant blur.

There's a very small amount of people who turned out to be who I thought they were.

Now I'm even refusing to go to the places where I know they will be.

& When I bump into them, it's even worse.

It's painful.

I see them and I want to cry.

Of course,as the unsensitive jerks they are, they are totally unaffected.

"Although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a fuck you."

Well, well.

I haven't blogged in the LONGEST time. I feel so weird sitting here blogging. I've been so busy lately! This weekend, I'm taking the SAT, and the very next weekend, I'm taking the ACT. I'm so stressed out! Annnd procrastinating, as you can see.

So, going back to the last thing that I talked about apparently- spirit week. Long time ago. The highlight of that week was the fact that Idressed up as Lady Gaga at school. I'm just quite the little monster;) My friend (SylvietheGreat) was Keri Hilson.

With recent news, I guess I'm just a different species of person, because nobody seems to take friendships as seriously as I do. I mean, I'm the type of person who will absolutely adore their friends and be so appreciative to them for being a friend and will do anything for them, and when something's up, I'll go to extreme lengths to try to mend the relationship. I've recently lost two of my absolute best friends I've ever had. One, due to the miscommunication of something said, and the other due to the fact that she communicated it. I have a relatively new friend, OtherClaireAnnaClaire (I'm lacking creativity in the name making up today..) and we were talking about how we both did that, and how frustrating it is. We both came to the conclusion that if relationships turn into something unbearably stressful, then they aren't worth it, unfortunately.

I'm gonna have to let them go. I'm seeing things I never saw in them before. Qualities that I NEVER saw in them before. It's kinda unbelievable. But hey, I guess fall was all about change anyways. Everything changes. Unfortunately.. but now it's time for winter.

But I'll always be looking back at fall and wondering what happened.

i reaaally don't like school.. school work, that is.

IT'S SPIRIT WEEK.
finally.

This was today. Tacky day. (I'm in the red beanie and the yellow striped sweater.)

I'm here because I'm procrastinating. I've sorta taken a liking to tumblr lately. I have a journal for AP english that is due tomorrow that I REALLY don't want to do. If it were something like talking about the development of the character, I'd be fine with that. But no. We have to type a passage out from the book and talk about syntax, diction, tone, organization, and figures of speech. I really, really, really don't want to do that. I can't really even focus at all today. But anyway, I'll have more spirit week pictures sometime soon. The week is still young.

xoxo,

Claire.